Is there a bit of a mystery surrounding changing rooms and their setup?

It seems that the ladies changing rooms typically have "Doored" showers compared with the communal efforts over in the mens and I got to wondering why this is.

You will be disappointed to find out that neither I nor her indoors have any definitive answers on this.

Could it be some kind of personal grooming issue? It would certainly cause some degree of controversy if someone was sporting a back, sack and crack!

Would that really be noticed in the realms of the mens changing room?

On googling "changing room etiquette" or "locker room etiquette" one finds that it is a very virulent interweb topic with do's and donts for those who "fear" the changing room and its environs.

Its clear though that in the case of both sexes there are always some locker room freaks (although it should be pointed out that these peacock types seem to be more of a "Globogym" rather than an "Average Joe's" phenomenon). Although you would have to ask yourself…if there were hairdryers in the mens (or indeed ladies) changing room in irish life, would people be drying their bodies with them…and how far would they go?

This has come to mind recently as I purchased myself a chamois style "sports towel" [http://www.speedo.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Product6_10151_10202_120562_-1_42308_33314_Y_120565].

The upside of this superb invention is that you are liberated from the shackles of the daily bag routine. You no longer have to wash/dry/bring a towel in every day. The downside of this is that it is the size of a handkerchief.

So….you get out of the pool…stroll over to your bag…pick up your lime shower gel (what?!!) and your sports towel…and stroll into the shower.

Now all this is fine and dandy if you are in the showers at an unpopular time (there are 4 showers in the mens, 2 on 2 facing one another). However, when the showers are busy and there are a lot of humans doing their thing then guess who the freak is? That’s right…it’s the guy with the handkerchief sized towel and the lime shower gel.

So you remove togs, rinse them, wash yourself (thoroughly of course), only then do you really become the freak show. Why you might well ask? Well you have to dry yourself with this item in a sort of rub and sqeeze type of methodology, the chamois, you see, is ultra absorbant so you dry your hair then you wring the towel dry, you dry your muscled hairless torso, then you wring the towel dry, you get the picture (clearly you methodically move down your body from the top to prevent already dried parts of your body becoming wet due to the law of gravity).

Then of course you leave the shower area and return to your clothes, but again you just look like the freak walking around the changing room in his birthday suit (when clearly you are the one who is being the greenest, what with electrical and washing powder saving). So stop with your judging and save the planet, if you are swimming every day then buy the sports towel (available in arnotts).

Not sure how well they would go down in the ladies changing rooms…I'm sure though, that they are just as ecologically aware and friendly as us men (comments welcome).

I happened upon a real freak show this morning.

With the table quiz taking place tonight and, not wanting to let the side down, knowing I would be expected to attend and put in a power performance I decided, in my wisdom to go for an early morning swim. Little did I know that it was going to give me a view of the worst of both worlds.

I did notice the childlike scrawl of the Ace on my way in…this did lead to some horripillation on my part.

All seemed quiet in the changing rooms, I didn't see the superman underpants (anally folded to show the man of steels fist and face) that one normally associates with the powerhouse of DI, so perhaps I would be OK, maybe he had already done his 3K and was back at work, it was after all 7:45 by now.

As I entered the pool though, I knew it was trouble…Ace was laughing it up, delighting at his opportunity to break someone new. "New Fish" they cried, rattling their metal mugs against the cell doors...

Thankfully they were on the way down from a 20 length pyramid at 16 (decreasing by 4). I was instructed to join in immediately.

On the upside I did get to break the pool rule (no diving in the shallow end) - on the downside there is no rule against petting*.

Lost count in the set of 16...drat…ended up doing 18, as if I didn’t need the rest enough

12, 8, 4 done…pasted.

Thinking that I'll be able to cooly do a 400m warm down now until…oh COME ON now there's a crazy bearded man coming over looking to do a 15 length pyramid (what can you say - they all know that you've only come in half way through their crazy ritual). BALLS…now there's another, the sprinter has arrived and we have 3 in the lane going for this crazy pyramid scheme. I bring up the rear because I know these guys are faster than me…I prove myself right. It’s a real nightmare. 5,10,15,10,5. made it and I havent drowned, I'd say this is a bonus. Definitely out of the pool now.

"who's up for a hypoxic set" ahh God…the crazy bearded man has clearly been infected by some virus carried by the ace. "So" he goes on, seemingly believing what he is saying is possible, "mostly, we do 2 lengths normal, 2 lengths breathing every 3 strokes, 2 lengths breathing every 5 strokes, 2 lengths breathing every 7, then 2 lengths breathing every 9" most surprisingly he didn't say "then you wake up in the E.R. and find out that I have performed mouth to mouth on you" (although US lifeguarding technique now teaches the heimlich maneuvre to clear the lungs http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/story?oid=oid%3A729455 somewhat controversially).

I fail at almost every pair of lengths…I do 3,3,4,3,3(with the odd 4 and one 5). Who can do 9? Raise your hands…now look at your hand…is it webbed?

All set to get out…Dr Jones pipes up…who's for a few sprints to finish…

When will it ever end…

*for more information on rules required attend the pool on Friday at 5-30 to observe the animals….but no petting!